Breakfast of Champions

I'm not a breakfast food guy. Don't get me wrong, I love eating in the morning. Of course, I love eating in the afternoon. I also love eating in the evening and underneath the moon. I just love eating. I'm just not a big fan of breakfast food. Give me a turkey sandwich over a waffle any day. You can keep your eggs benedict and I'll take some left over General Tso's chicken. The problem is that most of the food I like for breakfast is either (a) a sugary, carb filled mess like Frosted Flakes or Honey Nut Cheerios; (b) leftovers from a bowel busting meal the night before such as pizza with italian sausage, mushrooms, and pineapple, or (c) beer. Unfortunately none of these things are keeping in the spirit of health and fitness. Luckily, I found my solution mixing three simple food items some will say don't go together; oatmeal, eggs, and red pepper flakes.

The recipe is as simple as it comes. For starters, cook up some oatmeal. My preferred brand is Quaker Oats Old Fashioned Oats. This is my favorite for a few reasons.  First, the ingredients are simple.  The brand is made with rolled oats. That's it.  No additional nonsense included for flavor or preservatives. I suppose you could get the instant oatmeal if you want but then you are also getting calcuim carbonate, salt, guar gum, caramel color, reduced iron, and vitamin A palmitate. I love getting in some extra guar gum as much as the next guy, but it seems like a lot of extra ingredients to reduce your cooking time from five minutes down to a minute and thirty seconds. Second, purchasing this name brand oatmeal is a lot less expensive than getting the tree hugging, hippy douche oatmeal that comes in the fancy hand-blown glass container and was manually shucked by 19 year-old interns from the local all-woman college that are majoring in 17th century English literature but really they want to save the world one oat at a time. (A special hello to all my friends who went to an all-woman college. I love you all). I buy plenty of tree hugging, hippy douche products at the local farmer's market (I'm sure there will be a blog about this soon) so I don't need to waste money on a product when Quaker Oats oatmeal has only one ingredient.


As you wait impatiently for your oatmeal to cook for what feels like 5-6 hours (or 5 minutes), you have plenty of time to cook up the next ingredient: eggs. I fry two eggs over easy. It's important to make sure to keep the eggs over easy because the runny yolk is vital in preparing this simple breakfast. Again, we don't by the tree hugging, hippy douche eggs from the farmer's market for $10/dozen because they were hand plucked that very morning straight from the chicken's ass. Instead we opt for the tree hugging, hippy douche organic free-range eggs from Harris Teeter that are $5/dozen because $5 is $5 and money doesn't grow on trees.  Give us a break, at least we aren't buying the chicken factory eggs that are produced by indentured servant chickens for $4/dozen because, I believe, allowing chickens to walk around is worth the extra $1.

Depending on your timing, the eggs or the oatmeal may be done first.  It doesn't really matter because these two foodstuffs are getting mixed together. When the oatmeal and eggs are done, mix the two together in a bowl. I always use a soup bowl mainly because when Rizzo and I got married we registered for six or seven hundred of them and I'm going to use them for something, goddammit. Make sure to break the yolks so you get a nice and creamy mixture of oatmeal and eggs.

Finally we come to the most important part of the whole process which is the red pepper flakes. I'm sure you have made those pansy-ass recipes that have you adding 1/2 tsp of red pepper flakes to a pasta sauce designed to serve 70. I say person-up (I would say "man-up" but that would be sexist and I'm nothing if not a lover of women so I wont be disparaging women unless I am mocking all-woman colleges) and use red pepper flakes like, well, pepper.  Cover the top of your egg/oatmeal mixture with lots and lots of red pepper. I won't give you a measurement because everyone's taste is different. I will say that I use enough red pepper flakes on my eggmeal to make pasta sauce for 4,000.

Time to dig in!  Delicious, isn't it?  What?  What do you mean all you can taste is the burning on the inside of your mouth because you followed my lead and used copious amounts of red pepper flakes?  I can't help you with that but I find this breakfast to be delicious and nutritious. So much so that I have made this breakfast 6 days a week for the past nine months and I'm not tired of it yet. When you find something that works, is healthy, and only uses 8 Weight Watcher points, then you have to stick with it. Now if you will excuse me I have a doctor's appointment. I'm pretty sure the red pepper flakes are killing me. 

P.S. I have many friends that matriculated at an all-woman college, including my lovely wife, and they are all lovely, well-educated, and sophisticated members of society. Ok, not all of them, but at least the same percentage as those who didn't attend an all-woman college, so lets not blame the all-woman college. It's a joke people.

The Deer Runner

Beer Snob