The Deer Runner

Running is a dangerous pastime. Not a day goes by without an article in the local paper of a 6', 138 lb marathon runner twisting an ankle during mile 37 of 77 while out for his "short" mid week run. Don't worry, he will be healed in time to get in his long run over the weekend (usually between 457 and 532 miles). Boy can I relate. It was a few short weeks ago that I had my own encounter with the perils of running. I remember it like it was yesterday...(Cue the wavey screen cut into the flashback scene with a voiceover by, I don't know, lets say Wil Wheaton)

It was a typical July afternoon in Northern Virginia. That is to say the temperature was approximately 97, the humidity hovered around 187%, and the heat waves from the asphalt gave the suburbs the appearance of a Hitchcock film. Rizzo and Cece were at the community pool when I arrived home work, which left me plenty of time to change and start pounding the pavement.

I was on Week 5, Day 1 of my C25K app which consisted of a brisk 5-minute warm up walk, then; jog for 5 minutes; walk for 3 minutes; jog for 5 minutes; walk for 3 minutes; jog for 5 minutes; and concluded with a 5 minuted cool down walk. Since it was such a nice day (see stats above) I thought I would try out a new jogging route. I began the brisk 5-minute walk and took a path located behind our neighborhood that leads to the local wilderness area.  I use the descriptor "wilderness area" lightly because in this area you are no more than a 15 minute walk from a road, house, or McDonalds but, hey, at least there are trees.

The run/walk was going well even through my sweat-blurred vision. The jogging persisted as per usual and I even got into the non-paved area of the trails where I had to actually run on dirt. For those of you who live in a big city, dirt is that brown stuff that is located under all the buildings and concrete. It's pretty and I suggest you go out and find some to walk around on in the near future.

The app dinged in my Bluetooth headphones indicating that I was halfway and it was time to turn around. Yes, I have Bluetooth headphones. They were a Father's Day Gift. Shut up about it. So I'm the guy that gets all the gear to take up a sport or hobby before ever trying it out because even if I'm not good at something I want to look good doing it. Whatever. Leave me alone.

Anyway, my self imposed torture was nearly over. Another ding in my earbuds (calling them earbuds instead of headphones makes me sound hip, right?) and I started the last 5-minute jog. Things were going swell. My sweat soaked t-shirt had increased in weight to nearly 7.5 lbs due to the moisture absorption and clung to my jiggly abdomen like glitter from the Christmas card your jerk of a cousin sent you and you are still finding stuck to your left elbow eight months later. I was in the zone. Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" was getting me pumped so I increased my pace to push myself to the finish line. That's when it happened.

A massive object crashed directly into me from my right. With the Ke$ha blaring I didn't see it coming. Something had crushed me out of nowhere. It was heavy. Was a biker behind me tired of screaming "on your right" and just barreled past, kicking me in the process? Did I get magically transported to the set of the TV show Wipeout or MXC and was getting knocked into the fluid? Had I merely lost consciousness for a moment since the humidity had climbed to 317% during my workout?  All of these questions and more ran through my mind in a split second. When my eyes finally refocused this is what I saw!

A doe. A deer. A female deer.  I had been hit by a deer.  A fawn to be exact. The mean little bastard (I am not implying anything about the marital status of the deer's parents; rather, I'm using the term in a derogatory context) had jumped from the underbrush just as I was jogging by and crashed directly into my right shoulder. Can you believe it? Everyone has or knows someone that has hit a deer with their car. It's because deer are stupid and are mesmerized by the sight of headlights. But have you ever heard of someone getting hit by a deer while jogging and embarrassingly listening to Ke$ha?  Well now you have.

The doe, a deer, a female deer, scampered into the forest. I cut the rest of my workout short and staggered back to home. I had shooting pains down my right collar bone and my right shoulder ached. My left foot throbbed as I limped down the trail. I contemplated how to relay this story during the remainder of my journey. Some would say I was attacked by Bambi, a cute, little snugly creature and that makes you weak. But they would be wrong. Mother nature had attacked me and the best She could do was give me a swollen foot and a bruised shoulder.  That mean's I'm stronger than nature. Screw you little deer and screw you Mother Nature.  I cannot be defeated!

P.S. Dear Mother Nature, please do not try and prove you are better by sending a bear next time. I promise I'll be good.

P.P.S. If you send any kind of greeting card filled with glitter you are an asshole and should no longer have the right to vote.

P.P.P.S. My goal was to get a blog up for five consecutive days and I succeeded. I plan to post a blog twice a week (probably Tuesday and Friday). So all you people clamoring for a daily dose of me (both of you) will have to be patient.

Fashion: Weekly Weight Update

Breakfast of Champions