Mar 16

Mar 16 Radio Shack

Your local electronics store has just started selling time machines, anywhere doors, and invisibility helmets. You can only afford one. Which of these do you buy, and why?

Sometimes the emails from my blogging group can get pretty weird. There are lots of days I simply click the delete button. There are other days I hit the delete button as fast as I possibly can because I can't believe that someone would offer up that topic as an idea to write about and I wish that I could somehow remove the part of the brain that remembers that email because it is so incredibly stupid. The topic above was one of those days but someone it squeaked through and made it on my "to write" list.

Just picture it...you are slowly trudging through your local mall. You have just finished the Auntie Anne's pretzel that was slightly smaller than a new born baby and are desperately trying to wash down the salt with your 89oz Smoothie King Strawberry-Kiwi Breeze. It is important to stay fueled and hydrated when you are on these day-long mall excursions. Your eye is suddenly drawn to the left towards the shining red lights of the Radio Shack.

You can't believe it. You were convinced that Radio Shack was out of business. You haven't been in a Radio Shack since that time 10 years ago when you wanted to buy your older sister a radio for Christmas but you couldn't because, ironically, Radio Shack didn't sell radios. Instead you ended up getting her a Discman which she hated because it was the year 2005, iPods had been on the market for a good four years, and the skip protector didn't work. Despite these misgivings you can't take your eyes away from the ad. Radio Shack, trying any ridiculous attempt to keep customers, had started offering three new products that no other store could compete with: time machines, anywhere doors, and invisibility helmets. Amazing! Not only had you discovered a parallel universe where Radio Shack was not only still in business but had someone become the bastion of modern technology.

As you push your way into the store past the dictaphones and cell phone chargers you discover there is only one problem; you can only afford one of these amazing machines? What do you choose? How do you decide?

For the answer is very simple. I would pick the ____________. Come on, you know I can't simply tell you my choice and then end the blog. That wouldn't be any fun. Both of you reading this would think to yourselves "what just happened? Isn't this supposed to be interesting? Isn't there supposed to be more?" Well, I can't promise interesting but I can promise more.

I would have to avoid the time machine. As much as I love the study of history, I wouldn't want to take that chance of going back and changing some small detail that results in all of humanity evolving so instead of arms and legs we look more like Peter Griffin that time he made a wish that he didn't have any bones. I'm sure I'd accidentally go back 10,000,000 years and step on an amoeba that turned out to be my ancient ancestor. Because I stepped on this amoeba my body would evolve to the point where I have no bones, and instead I was just a blob sliding around on the dirty floor, picking up dog hair and discarded pieces of chewing gum in my gelatinous folds of flesh. Sure, it wouldn't be too much different from how my body looks now but at least I can stand (most of the time when I haven't wrecked me knees). Clearly, the time machine is out.

I'd also have to pass on the invisibility helmet. This wouldn't do me any good at all. I'm not a ninja. I'm not a soldier in the special forces. I'm not a super hero. I'm not a cat burglar. I have absolutely no need to be invisible. I suppose I could stand up against the wall somewhere and listen to what people are saying about me. "Oh man, did you see that Wes today? He must have messed up using his time machine. I've never seen such a blob. Literally!" That isn't something I need in my life.

That just leaves my choice. The best choice. I would absolutely take an anywhere door. How fantastic would that be? The worst part of traveling anywhere is the actual traveling to anywhere. There is nothing worse than hopping in a car on December 23rd to settle in for a nice 17-19 hour drive to visit the in-laws for Christmas. The drive shouldn't take that long but with every other nut on the road clogging up the interstate the time seems to creep. Don't get me wrong, I have a perfectly pleasant (even an enjoyable) time while the visit is occurring but the process of getting there and back is an absolute nightmare.

How wonderful would vacations be if you could simply transport there through your anywhere door just like the members of Starfleet? I would travel to so many more distant lands. I'd get to see anything and everything. As a matter of fact, you wouldn't even have to pack if you don't want to. I don't mind living out of a suitcase and staying in a hotel or a rental home. It is rather relaxing. But if you just want to go to the beach for the day and don't want to pay for a hotel to stay at then just open up the anywhere door and step on out to the famous Virginia Beach boardwalk. Instant travel - saves time, money, and stress. Sign me up for that right away!

What of these ridiculous devices would you pick? Let us all know what you would pick and why.

P.S. If you pick anything other than the anywhere door you are wrong so brace yourself for mocking.