Mission: Movies - The Doom Generation

Warning: This blog is filled with vulgarity that shouldn't be read by most people. Mom, you may want to skip this one but if you don't, I'm sorry.

For a long time I had a fascination with writing a book. The problem I learned with that fascination is that I didn't have anything particular to say but I liked the idea of being an author of something. It wasn't a story that I wanted to share but a thick, hard back volume with my name on the cover. Let me tell you if your goal is simply to write a book because you want to sit it on your coffee table then you will never get it done because it should be the story that dictates a book not the desire to write a book to create a story.

Anyway, since I couldn't think up a good idea for a story I thought I would take on a challenge and write about it. The challenge I gave myself was to watch a movie everyday for a year and then write about my experience. So in 2009 I started my challenge and got reasonably close. I watched 312 movies over that 365 day span. It was about the same time that a movie called Julie and Julia came out about a woman who writes a blog documenting her experience in cooking every recipe in Julia Child's first book.

I swear I don't remember every seeing the movie or knowing the plot before taking on my challenge but when I told people what I was doing they would say, "Oh, like that movie Julie and Julia but with movies." Well, yes, I suppose but I didn't get the idea from there at all.

In the end I never wrote (or at least finished) the book I intended to write about watching all these movies. I watched 312 movies which equals a total running time of 32,488 minutes, or 541.47 hours, or 22.56 straight days. Imagine sitting down to watch movies 24/7 for three straight weeks. That is what I did. I have notes on most, some completed "reviews" on others, and some I never even got around to writing anything.

I went back and found the document where I kept all my notes and comments on the various movies I watched. I read a couple and realized a few things. (1) I was an angry guy in 2009. Man, did I HATE things. I have a planned blog on how now that I've grown up, even in just those 6 short years, I don't really hate anymore. It is inspired by a Patton Oswalt stand-up routine but basically now there are just things that aren't for me but I no longer hate. (2) I really, really liked to curse. I still do but there was nothing I liked more than f-bombs. (3) I was a terrible writer. Not to say I'm rocking the linguistic chops of a Shakespeare or an Aaron Sorkin now but when I was writing about these movies it was awful.

With all this in mind I thought I would share one of my more hate filled and curse filled ramblings. I've included it without any edits to the original I wrote years ago, including any typos or grammatical errors. I may, from time to time, revisit this crazy mission of mine to share other ideas about movies. For now, enjoy this vulgar filled diatribe on The Doom Generation.

The Doom Generation

Sex. Mayhem. Whatever.

I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret.  In the course of writing my dissertation on these wonderful films, time will have passed between when I actually get to see the flick and finally get to write my words for you to enjoy.  I do have a job after all and some of us have to work for a living.  I only tell you that little tidbit to tell you this one.  I am writing this little column immediately upon viewing.  I should go to sleep.  I have to get up early and it’s getting pretty late.  But I knew that I couldn’t sleep on this and remember what to say.

This movie was a piece of shit.  There really isn’t another way to put it.  I can’t imagine another way.  I’m going to give everything away too.  No hiding the ending from all you folks out there so if you wanted to check this out yourself (which I can’t imagine why you would waste your time and money) then don’t read this.  Here it comes.

The flick is about two troubled teens (I hate using “troubled” but I got nothing else) named Jordan White (James Duval, best known from Independence Day) and Amy Blue (Rose McGowan, probably best known from Grindhouse: Planet Terror).  The two pick up a drifter named Xavier Red (Johnathon Schaech, not known for anything so don’t worry about it).  As the trio travels the road the three murder the owner of a Quickie Mart by cutting his head off, fight off a crazy drive-thru attendant after Amy by blowing his arm off with a shotgun, stab a crazy club kid in the balls to kill him, and finally kill a trio of gay Nazis with some garden trimmers.  All the while both Jordan and Xavier are fucking the shit out of Amy and both know about it without a care.  Fucked up, right?

And here is the end, just because I have to share it.  The gay Nazi’s kill Jordan by cutting his dick off with the garden shears and feed it to Xavier.  Oh, this is after they rape Amy with a statue of the Virgin Mary.  Amy is at least able to break free of her restraints and kill the Nazi’s with the gardening tool but not before Jordan dies.  Yeah, I told you it was fucked up.

But here is the most fucked up part of all, in my opinion.  At the end of the flick, Amy and Xavier are just driving away, Amy smoking a cigarette and Xavier eating Doritos.  That’s it.  That’s the fucking end.  No crying, no shame, no nothing, just driving on along after a murder spree.  What the fuck is wrong with these people?  I know I’m a creep and have a messed up imagination but for shits sake seek some help.

Seeing as this is an indie flick I will give it a little slack in a few areas.  One, the special effects, if you can call them that, were terrible.  I know that without a budget it’s hard to get anything to look real.  You can’t really get a convincing head flying off a body for a couple hundred bucks.  Try doing a special effect of a guy getting shot on a diving board, bleeding out, then falling and floating in a pool with a zero budget.  I’ve tried that and it looks like shit, so I can’t give too much grief. 

Two, the film quality was awful but again, that is part of the budget.  It didn’t look too bad considering what we are looking at, but the shots and camera angles were alright.  It could of used a LOT more lighting but budget again.  Not so bad so I can forgive that.

What I can’t forgive is the script.  It was fucking awful.  There were only two exceptions and we will get to those later.  The delivery was choppy, the editing dreadful.  Fuck, I’m starting to sound like a critic.  Not like my pudgy ass could do any better.  As a matter of fact, I know with 100% certainty that anything I tried to put on film would look worse than Ted Kennedy’s liver (too soon?).  With that said, this movie sucked my left nut while unceremoniously ignoring my right.  I leave this flick to the dredges where it belongs with the two good lines from this movie, not surprisingly both delivered by Rose McGowan:

“Why don’t you go passionately fuck yourself?”

“You’re like a life support system for a cock.”