Nov 1

Nov 1 The Freebie List

Our friends on Friends gave a name to a long-standing tradition in relationships. This tradition has been around since cavemen would ogle cave paintings of women that were barely covered by sabretooth pelts. A tradition that, while completely inappropriate and degrading to all parties involved, has at least evolved to allow both sexes to be equally objectified. A tradition that is known as the Freebie List.

Yes, we all look towards celebrities as our physical betters. They are indescribably attractive (whether in actuality or just as a figment of our imagination). We fantasize about bumping into them on the street, striking up a casual conversation, continuing the conversation over coffee, flirting over dinner and drinks, shyly walking back to a big city apartment, leaning in for the awkward kiss, then ravaging each other in the moonlight of a skylight speckled penthouse.

You may not be comfortable enough to share your list with your significant other, let alone the world. I don’t share that level of privacy, especially when it comes to writing. So, here is my list.

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Jessica Alba - It was the year 2000. A 20-year-old Wesley was sitting in his college apartment flipping through channels trying to avoid doing any kind of work for school. This young man came across a show with a shot of a woman sitting on the top of a building in all black. Her black, curly hair was blowing in the breeze. The leather was skin tight. The eyes were as sharp as a razor. The show was Dark Angel and the angel was Jessica Alba.

Ms. Alba has been at the top of my list for as long as I have had a list. I’m not saying she is the best actress in the world. In fact, I think that the movie The Love Guru would prove that she is not. However, she stirs something deep inside of me that I have held deep for a long time.

The older I get the more I come to respect her not only in my dreams but in reality. She has gone on to found The Honest Company, which was started out of her desire to find a good diaper for her kids and when that didn’t happen she made her own. The Honest Company has grown to a billion-dollar business providing a wide variety of products around the world. She is the perfect package of brains, brawn, looks, and will. Jessica Alba will forever be my #1.

Jason Statham - That’s right, people, I’m comfortable enough with who I am to put a guy at #2 on my list. The first time I saw this gentleman was in a little flick called Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. He was a funny, British chap who I enjoyed but certainly wouldn’t put him in the pantheon of the Freebie List. It was four-years later (2002) when a high, intensity action flick called The Transporter was released that Mr. Statham went from a funny guy I enjoyed watching to the guy that I wanted to be with.

There are four reasons Statham makes it this high on the list: (1) he is built like a brick shit-house, (2) he is funny, (3) he is an action star, and (4) he is bald. Seeing this guy walking around with a five o’clock shadow and a receding hairline made me think that this is the guy I would be if I could work out 15-hours a day for the rest of my life. With enough dedication I could make my body ripped but I could never regrow my hair. A balding action star is the best!

The key is balding and not bald. There are plenty of completely clean-shaven action stars we have seen. It is the balding, short cropped hair combined with the body of an action star that really puts him over the top.

Now just imagine my joy when Jessica Alba and Jason Statham made a movie together. Mechanic: Resurrection for the win!

Tina Fey - Smart women are sexy. Funny women are sexy. Sexy women are, well, sexy. Tina Fey is all of those things rolled into one. She even makes it sexier because she doesn’t even know that she is sexy and keeps trying to play it off like she is a regular schlub. Tina, you are no regular schlub.

I wish I could say that Tina Fey made it onto my list during her Saturday Night Live days but that isn’t really the case. Her time on SNL wasn’t really in my wheelhouse. Nothing against her but I just wasn’t watching SNL at that time. But as soon as I saw my first episode of 30 Rock I was hooked. She has the wit, wisdom, and looks (it is what we are talking about here) to make rocking a pair of grey sweatpants, a ratty t-shirt, and a pint of ice cream look amazing!

Oh, and if you haven’t seen Tina Fey in Date Night then you don’t know what you are missing.

4. Zooey Deschanel - I have a thing for quirky women and Zooey Deschanel would be the poster child for quirky women. She has a style that is all her own with beautiful dresses and dark hair. I wish I could say I was that guy that was like “Yeah, I knew her from Almost Famous and have loved her ever since.” I’m not. I can’t even go back to Elf. For me it was a little movie called 500 Days of Summer that shot Zooey Deschanel up the list.

I also find multi-talented people to be remarkably attractive. It was well into the run of one of my favorite shows, New Girl, that I learned that Ms. Deschanel is part of the duo She & Him. They have some great folksy music but best of all they put out multiple Christmas records. That put it over the top. A beautiful, smart, sexy, talented actress and singer that is obsessed enough with Christmas to put out multiple Christmas albums? Sign me up!

Gerard Butler- All the others on this list have multiple reasons for being on this list be it writing, acting, beauty, or style. While I am a fan of Gerard Butler movies (yep, I was the one that bought the Gamer DVD and I’ve watched it many, many times) there is one reason and one reason alone that Mr. Butler makes the list: “This is SPARTA!”