What did you say?
Being a parent comes with many challenges, including the challenge of watching what you say. I'm the type of person that likes to curse but now Cece is in that repeating age so I have to watch what I say so she won't go up to strangers and start cursing them out for fun. You can also make statements about and around kids that have a completely different meaning when taken out of context. Rizzo and I had and continue to have lots of these moments. Here are just a few of my favorite statements made that can be completely inappropriate when taken out of context.
If you don't eat Daddy will make you take your clothes off.
Wow, totally inappropriate, right? When Cece was born she was a whopping 8 pounds 7 ounces. I say whopping but in reality that is really just a healthy weight; not too big but not too small. While we were in the hospital Cece dropped almost a pound over just a few days which isn't the best news. The doctors were concerned that she wasn't getting enough nutrition so we were instructed to wake Cece up to feed once every 2 hours and to supplement breast feeding with formula. All of those things are pretty reasonable and all together unusual. You would also think that waking a baby up every two hours would be easy but you would be wrong.
Sure, there is the common knowledge that babies keep their parents awake at all hours to the point where parents of newborns look more like a character from the Walking Dead than a person. Those times when Cece was awake were great to get her to eat. It was those times when we had to wake Cece up that caused the problem. You see, babies that are asleep don't want to wake up and have a magical power of falling back asleep instantly.
What does that mean when you have to keep feeding your baby so she will gain some weight? It means you have to do whatever it takes to keep your baby awake so she will eat. What did our doctor recommend? One option was to undress Cece to make her a little cold and that would keep her awake. If we kept her all wrapped up and comfy then it was easy for her to fall back asleep.
That gave birth to the wonderful sentiment above. It was random night (morning?) and it was time for Cece's feeding. She kept falling asleep while Rizzo was trying to get her to take some grub. What do you say to keep Cece awake? One of the creepiest statements of all, "If you don't eat Daddy will make you take your clothes off." So that happened.
Spread your legs so I can give you the cream.
Diaper rash is real and it can be awful. As an adult we don't have much experience with something wet rubbing against our nether regions for a few hours. That happens to babies all time. Infants can't tell parents that the just filled up their diaper so most of the time the parent is just guessing and it is easy to forget about a hefty diaper when the kid is running around happy as a pig in shit (or a baby in shit, as would be a more appropriate analogy).
To keep the effects of diaper rash down to a minimum, parents should apply some type of ointment or cream to the red areas of a baby that is suffering from this affliction. I'm rather fond of the product Butt Paste. Not that Butt Paste is better at providing relief to diaper rash but simply because it is called Butt Paste, which is both a hilarious and disgusting name all at the same time.
Sounds simple but most kids aren't very cooperative at diaper changing time. For those of you out there who are about to have kids and dread the onslaught of diapers you are about to change let me tell you a little secret: enjoy the baby diapers while they last. The older the kid gets the harder it is to change them. Not that the poop gets any better or worse (it does get different) but instead of changing a small baby that can't even roll over you are changing an infant with the strength of 20-men with the sole purpose of getting away from you.
This is the time of a parent's life when some statements can be made that are completely inappropriate. For example, you are in the process of changing your child and the diaper rash is so prevalent that your kids butt looks like the planet Mars. She needs some ointment but she also needs to kick her legs violently and laugh uncontrollably (I assume the Joker must have drugged her). First you say it in a calming tone hoping to reason with the kid.
Super creepy, right? Well, your kid doesn't do it so you start to get frustrated and it gets even creepier.
Yep, that is just disturbing. You know you sound like an animal and if anyone would hear or see you say this to your child you might be getting a knock on your door from social services. All you are trying to do is prevent and treat some diaper rash. Some people just don't get it.
Why won't you suck on my right boob?
I didn't have the pleasure of breastfeeding my child. I know, I know, I probably should have seeing as my boobs are as large if not larger than most mothers but Rizzo won our Rock-Paper-Scissors match so she got to breastfeed. That being said I don't know what it feels like to have a human latched onto you like a sucker fish on the side of a fish tank. However, I do know what it's like to be in the kitchen making dinner while someone else is breastfeeding on the couch and hear them say things that are a bit weird.
Cece had a preferred side for feeding. Perhaps she was comfortable laying on her right side to get to the left breast. Perhaps Cece didn't like seeing her reflection in the TV so she had to have her back to the TV while feeding. I don't know but what I do know is that she didn't like to take the right breast. This became frustrating and painful for Rizzo, as I'm sure you ladies who have gone the breastfeeding right can attest.
Typically it probably isn't appropriate to ask a child in a firm, but frustrated voice, "Why won't you suck on my right boob?" but in this case it makes perfect sense. It is a perfectly fine sentiment to have while sitting in your living room on a Tuesday evening. It can be a bit awkward when it is stated in the back of a Catholic church while visiting your family over the holidays. Take it from me, no matter where this statement is uttered it is never appropriate to start laughing uncontrollably (and maybe pee your pants a little) after your significant other mumbles the phrase out of frustration. You'll pay for that later.
What inappropriate statements have you made that taken out of context could get you thrown in jail?