Jun 15

Jun 15 Fathers of daughters

I'm nothing else if I'm not a nerd. I like nerdy things. The TV shows I watch all the time are Marvel's Agents of Shield, Marvel's Agent Carter, DC's Legends of Tomorrow, and The Flash. All of these shows are, for sure, about comic books and comic book characters. They are full of action that is, literally, out of this world. They are pure escapism that I love. But sometimes they will, as the kids say, get you in the feels (I feel like such a tool typing that statement that way but it's true).

Take a look at this scene from The Flash and then let me tell you about fathers and daughters.

Are you crying? I'm weeping like an 20-month-old girl who doesn't want anyone but Mama to give her a bath (Rizzo understands that). I knew I'd love my kid, son or daughter. I never had any doubt about that fact. Who knew I'd love her this much?

The answer to that question is simple: any other father of a daughter. I'd punch the sun in the face if that is what Cece needed. Sure, that would be a challenging task because even if I managed to figure out a way to design a ship or a super-suit capable of blasting me to the sun without completely destroying every cell in my body I'd still have to change the nature of the sun so it has a face to punch. If that is required to keep my daughter safe then that is what I'll have to do.

I'm going to make a terrible father-in-law. As of the day I'm writing this Cece is 665 days old. That's it. She won't be getting married for another 60 or 70 years but I already know something: you are not good enough to marry my daughter. Don't feel bad. You didn't really have a chance. No man or woman, living or dead, is good enough for Cece. Here are a list of other people that aren't good enough for Cece:

Captain Jean Luc Picard
Eleanor Roosevelt
George Washington
George Washington Carver
George Clooney
George Jefferson
Anyone else named George
Thor (Donald Blake or Jane Foster)
Connor MacLeod
John OR Abigail Adams
John AND Abigail Adams

Even though no one is good enough for Cece I have resolved myself (as every father must) to the fact that one day someone else will come along and steal my daughter's heart. Seeing as Cece will be 65-ish when this happens I'll long be dead so I suppose it will be okay for her to get married. I know when that day comes the Grim Reaper is going to do his damnedest to keep me from walking my little girl down the aisle. Good luck, pal, because you are going to catch a crane kick to the face and by the time you get back up my chubby ghost will be rocking a tux with some purple Converse All-Stars enjoying the Father/Daughter dance at the reception.

I know Cece isn't perfect. If she was her poop wouldn't stink. It does. A lot. After almost two years of changing diapers I still gag every time I have to change a poop. She likes to throw her spoon across the room while it is full of food instead of using it to eat. She can't read a lick and doesn't have a job (see, not perfect). Even with all those things she is still perfect for me.

One day soon Cece will call me crying while being out too late. Her boyfriend or girlfriend will have just broken up with her in a drunken fight (she will be too young to drink). I'll drive over and pick her up at 2:00 AM and she'll be wasted because she was at a party where she shouldn't have been, making bad decisions. She will have a nose ring and a tattoo. Her shirt will be too tight and her shorts will be too short (yes, she will be wearing shorts as she is my daughter). She will feel sick because of all the beer. I'll be furious but I won't show it because she is safe in my car. She won't even know because she's drunk. I'll help her up to the bathroom and she will throw up. I'll clean her up and give her some water to drink to help with the inevitable hangover to come. She will fall into bed and pass out. I'll pull the covers over her and kiss her on the head. I'll place a trash can by her bed because she will be throwing up more. She will start snoring. I'll smile to myself. I'm furious because of all the bad decisions she made that night but I'm happy about the one good decision she made. She trusted me enough to come pick her up even when she was drunk. She's not perfect but she is my little girl and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe. Cece will be safe and sound and I will finally be able to get some rest. I love you, Cece. Sleep well.

And fast. Because now that you are safe at home it is time to learn a lesson about drinking too much. Tomorrow's wake up call is at 6:00 AM so you can clean the garage with a hangover. See, dear reader, I know that Cece isn't perfect but you still aren't good enough for her. No matter what, she is perfect for me.

P.S. I don't have to change many diapers full of poop. Rizzo and I have a deal. Poop makes me gag in any form. I gag when I pick after our dog, Ellie. I gag when I have to change a poop-filled diaper. Poop and I don't get along. However, I can deal with vomit like a champ. Rizzo cannot handle vomit. So the deal is I get the vomit while Rizzo gets the poop. In retrospect it probably wasn't the best deal to make. One day, Cece will be potty trained so she will be able to poop all by herself. Throwing up knows no age. Oh well, at least I can avoid some gagging.