Eyes Front...Weekly Weight Update

I woke up this Sunday morning and realized that I had not written a single word this week about what I have done to pursue my weight loss. It wasn't as if I gave up this week. I ate pretty well (with the exception of the pizza and beer consumed on the Saturday evening Fantasy Football Draft) and had a decent work out regiment (regularly running and Orange Theory Fitness classes). I hadn't written anything because for the first time in weeks it was a normal routine. I got up, went to work, came home, worked out, hung out with the family, and went to sleep. It was a welcome change.

I don't want to leave everyone hanging so I decided to share this gem of a post. I hope you enjoy.

It has been about 5 months (March 23, 2016) since North Carolina’s legislature passed a law that reversed a Charlotte, NC ordinance that extended some rights to people who are gay or transgendered. The new law, which has become to be generally referred to as the North Carolina bathroom law, states, amongst other things, that transgender people who have not taken surgical and legal steps to change the gender noted on their birth certificates have no legal right under state law to use public restrooms of the gender with which they identify. There has been a massive public outcry against the bill stating that it is just another example of legalized discrimination.

Let me stop right here before you start thinking that I’m about to go on a rant for or against the North Carolina law. This is a silly little blog intended to be a good time and maybe throw some knowledge on occasion. For the record, I think the law is an abomination and just a way for narrow minded individuals to legalize discriminatory practices because they fear what they don’t understand. Besides, most of the time as a straight, white, male I want to get away from the men’s room and use any other bathroom I can find. Men do some weird things in the bathroom. That is the point of this blog. That’s right; I’m using the North Carolina bathroom law controversy as a stepping stone to share some of the odd things I’ve observed guys do in public restrooms. See, anything can be used to start a funny conversation.

Talking on the phone while at the urinal

 Seriously, are you that damn important that you can’t put down your cell for 90 seconds to pee? There is nothing so important that you must continue to take the call while holding your penis 18 inches away from another guy that is holding his penis. For starters, it is rude to everyone else in the restroom. I don’t need to hear about how you shot an 18-over par yesterday afternoon at the club. It isn’t my business how much you have to pay in alimony just because your wife caught you in bed with your granddaughter’s babysitter. The last thing I need to know is how you’re pissed because they guy washing your Tesla didn’t use the right brand of wax. Hey buddy, put down the damn phone while you are peeing?

Let us not forget that it usually takes two hands to start the process of using a urinal. What does that mean? It means that for at least a short period of time you are resting your phone between your ear and your shoulder. This is a precarious position because the likelihood of your phone falling from your shoulder onto the urine blotched tile is about 95%. If you do drop your phone the likelihood of you returning your pee-covered iPhone to your face is 100%.

Do us all a favor, for courtesy and for your own health, put the phone down before you use the public urinal.

Put down the phone.

Taking pants all the way down while peeing

Learning to use a urinal can be a daunting task. There are many obstacles to overcome not the least of which relates to the height of the urinal compared to the height of your body. However, one obstacle that can be remedied with some simple instruction is the use of the fly. You see folks, when us guys are first learning to pee standing up we are instructed to drop our pants all the way to the ground. Why? Because (1) we are in the privacy of our own home and (2) we are little guys with little guys. I know, fellas, you always were hung like a mastodon. Relax, I’m not attacking your “manhood”. No matter your current size we all started with a little guy so pulling it through (too graphic?) the fly was a challenge so the pants went all the way to the floor. It makes sense when you are five but not everything when you are five makes sense when you are twenty-five.

There are far too many guys that will use a urinal with pants and underwear pulled all the way down to the ankles. Guys, why are you doing this? First, you look like an idiot. Second, you look like an idiot. Third, okay, it can be pretty funny at 2am at a bachelor party but that is about it. You are an adult who, presumably, has learned the simple function of pulling down your fly, pulling out your penis, and using the urinal properly. No one needs to see your bare ass while you stand there for a pee. Also, let us consider what you are standing in. You are standing in many, many, many other guys’ pee that has hit the floor where you stand. Now that pee is on your pants. So go ahead, drop your pants all the way down. Enjoy.

Pull up your pants.

Chatting with the person next to you

 I know that this one isn’t the same for everyone but this is a big deal to me. Some people love to have a conversation while taking a pee. Some people even enjoy having a conversation while taking a poop. I have a very good friend that used to invite people to sit outside the bathroom to chitchat while he pooped. This is not for me.

I don’t want to talk to you while I’m peeing and I want to talk to you even less while I’m pooping. Using the restroom is not designed to be a shared experience. My body is literally disposing of waste. Most of the time it is gross and I don’t want to share my grossness with others.

There are other families that don’t share this ideology and that is OK but I do have a rule in our house: we don’t talk to Wes while he is using the bathroom. Don’t worry, I’ll return the favor and not talk to you. On more than one occasion Rizzo has been calling my name while I’m using the bathroom. Unless she is dying, I don’t reply. She knows that if I’m in the bathroom I won’t reply. I’m pooping. I don’t need to chitchat.

My fellow users of the public restroom, I don’t want to talk with you while we are standing here. If I am using the public bathroom please understand that (1) I didn’t see the game, (2) I don’t have any answers to work related questions, (3) No, I can’t look that up because as you can see I’m peeing, (4) My plans for the weekend? They include peeing without talking to anyone.

Looking at another guys penis while peeing

 I think from the opening of this blog it is clear that I’m not homophobic. In general, I don’t have an objection to another guy looking at my penis. It isn’t special so I don’t really know why you would want to look at it but I don’t really mind you taking a peek. The exception to that rule is why I’m standing at the urinal. When you are at the urinal keep your eyes front and away from my penis.

This isn’t about privacy; it’s about mechanics. Think about it from the perspective of shooting a gun. Some people have better aim than others when it comes to marksmanship but there is one common thread that any user of projectile weapons will tell you; always look at your target. If you are shooting a gun the bullet will tend to go wherever you are looking. If you are shooting a basketball the ball will tend to go wherever you are looking. If you are throwing a baseball the ball will tend to go wherever you are looking. If you are throwing darts the dart will tend to go wherever you are looking. See a trend?

Of course it is a Yankees fan that is rude.

I don’t want you to pee on me or on my shoes. We both have to pee. Just wait until you are done peeing and then ask for peek. Just know that I’m not going to respond until I’m done peeing because of the whole don’t talk to me rule from above. Once I’m done peeing I’ll show you mine. Just be prepared to be disappointed.

What weird stuff have you observed in the public bathroom? What rules do you have regarding using the bathroom? Share your awkward encounters with the world! We all want to know.

Weight Update

In the end, the regular week and hard was all negated by one night consisting of a few beers, a few slices of pizza, and some snacks during a fantasy football draft. The bad news is that I didn't lose any weight. The good news is that I didn't gain any weight. I stayed exactly the same at 209.6. No ups. No downs. That puts the current weight at 209.6 pounds and the total weight loss at 57.6 pounds.A good indication that I need to refocus on weight loss. I think I have proven that I can maintain when I need to maintain but it's time to put in the hard work to lose those last 20lbs to get to my goal weight.

A dead heat for the week. 37.5 miles to 37.5 miles. One of us got bonus miles in from yardwork (that would be me). The other one of us actually had reduced miles for a week leading up to to a 20K race (that would be Rizzo who will clearly win next week). It doesn't matter because we still ended in a dead heat. That means Rizzo still has the 1.1 mile edge (soon to be much more after her race) for the month of August. I hate August.