I Don't Hate
I don't hate any music anymore. - Patton Oswalt
How do you know you are getting old? I think there are two very different, in-fact completely opposite, changes that occur simultaneously to indicate you are old.
- You hate everything.
- You don't hate anything.
Confused? Let me explain my position.
You Hate Everything
As you get older you no longer understand why things aren't the way they used to be. You will start way too many sentences with phrases such as "When I was a kid.." or "I remember when..." or "Where did I put..." or "Why did you shrink...". It is human nature to fear change. As we get older we get comfortable in our routines and can finally enjoy our lives feeling right in our own skin. Here is a list of things that, now that I'm a bit older, I hate.
- When the grass in my yard gets too long. Not just my grass, everyone's grass. I hate it. Why can't you just take an hour and cut your grass? Are you trying to grow a jungle so you can practice for your Survivor audition? This shouldn't bother me but I'm an old curmudgeon and need to have the grass cut to a reasonable length.
- Typing with a single space between sentences. Sometime between when I learned to type on a typewriter and today's modern technology the need to put two spaces in between sentences has been reduced to a single space. I know it has something to do with the nature of a typewriter and the typesetting or some other nonsense. It doesn't matter. When I type a period at the end of a sentence my thumb hits the space bar twice because that it what it is supposed to do. "But with computers we don't need the extra space to account for the typesetting differences" you say. You know what I say. Shut up and type like you are supposed to type and put two spaces after the sentence like a grown up.
- Using number or shorthand instead of real words. Yes millennials, you are about to get crushed. LOL is not a word. Stop putting it after ever single sentence you have ever written or texted in your life. No one is walking around laughing out loud at every single thing they have ever written. If that person did exist Batman would have to fight them and lock them up in Arkham. 4 is not a word it is a number. Correct use: "I would like 4 tickets". Incorrect use: "Want to meet 4 lunch?". Type out the word. *$ does not mean Starbucks. It means nothing and you shouldn't be going to Starbucks anyway because their coffee is terrible.
You Don't Hate Anything
When you are younger you become very passionate about things like sports, music, art, and movies. There is no black and white when it comes to these things. The types of music, art and movies you love are the greatest in the world and everything else triggers a burning rage in your soul that can only satiated with the destruction of those things you don't love.
As you get older, you don't hate those things anymore. There are still things you don't enjoy. I don't enjoy rap or country music. It just isn't my thing so I just don't listen to it. I don't hate people that enjoy rap or country music. I don't hate people that perform rap or country music. It's just not for me and that's okay.
Here are some examples of things I used to hate but no longer hate:
- Shia Lebeouf. I used to hate this guy. Like a lot. When I was working on my defunct project called Mission: Movies I would constantly make statements like "His performance is the worst thing to happen to acting since Shia LeDouche". I thought he would destroy all of cinema with one hand tied behind his back. I was convinced he ruined Indiana Jones. I was absolutely positive that Transformers would have brought my childhood to life if it wasn't for his participation. Shia LeBeouf was my arch-nemesis and I needed to end his reign of terror across film. Now, eh, I just don't watch his movies and I can move on with my life.
- Country Music. I used to hate country music. I was convinced that country music was where musicians go to die. Just think about it - Hootie and the Blowfish. They were HUGE in the 90s (my favorite song being "Time") but once they started to fade Darius Rucker (you know, Hootie) became a country musician. Then of course there is Jewel. Jewel was what I would call (maybe not others) an "indie-darling" in the 90s with hits like "You Were Meant for Me" and "Who Will Save Your Soul". What happened? You guessed it; the 90s came to an end so she became a country musician. It would drive me crazy. Now? I still don't enjoy country music but it doesn't matter to me anymore. So Jewel and Hootie want to sing about pickup trucks and Nascar then I say more power to them. It's not like they are punching babies or kicking puppies. They are singing songs. I don't have to hate them for it I just will choose not to listen.
- New York Yankees: This is a trick. I still hate the New York Yankees. I hope every year that they will lose 162 straight games and become the worst team in Major League Baseball history. You should know that this is a vast improvement from my younger days. I used to wish bodily harm to all members of the Yankees. I would have been excited to watch Jeter tear both ACLs simultaneously while getting hit in the face by a Randy Johnson fastball. Now I just want them to lose. I'd say that is the definition of growing up.
The point is that as we get older we become more accepting. We no longer have the time to hate with such passion. I don't like rap music so I don't listen to it. That's it. If you like it then good for you but it doesn't bother me. Of course, Patton Oswalt tells you this same idea in a much funnier way that I could ever hope to relay. Watch "Signs You're Getting Older" and you'll understand.
